In 2015 I spent 174 days on the road. I walked from Myrtle Beach, SC to San Francisco, CA. I had no idea what I was doing. I didn’t know what it would mean. Somewhere along the way I traded in hopelessness for strength. The longer I sit here in a conventional life, I see the strength slowly leaving me. I feel socially overwhelmed in so many ways I didn’t used to. I feel alone in everything I do. I know now that feeling alone is maybe the most normal thing a human experiences. I feel incapable of reaching out. In 24 days I will embark once again on foot and all alone, surrounded by strangers. Leaving the life of routine behind. The comforts have become toxic to my growth as a person. My life becomes a cycle constantly repeating itself. The idea of change and the possibility of growth excite me. I always crave the feeling of knowing everything is about to change. I just don’t want to waste any more time.
I wish I could go back to the days where confidence wasn’t something I had to think about. When I was a kid that was just who I was but somewhere along the way that changed. I remember when I was 7 or 8 my mom worked at a grocery store and they held a coloring contest for every holiday. I took them so seriously. I would lay all of my crayons out strategically and envisioning my next masterpiece. This was before I graduated to colored pencils. Each time I went into the store with my mom I would stare at all of the other entries posted up on the wall at the front of the store. As each holiday passed I found myself taking home the prize each time. I took home Easter. I took home Thanksgiving. I took home Christmas. If there was a coloring contest, I won. To this day I don’t know for sure if my mom had her biased hand in the voting process or I was the greatest child artist of all time. I like to think I was great. I remember in 1st grade my class would play “around the world”. I stand up against all of my classmates and answer elementary math problems. The fastest correct answer moves on. I always moved on. I would go around the world, then around again, and again until it was recess time. Once at recess a large group of my classmates would gather around to watch me throw one of those orange John Elway Vortex footballs just to see how far I could throw it. They oohed and aahed as the orange ball whistled into the sky and dropped back to earth on the other side of the playground. For some reason I will always carry these moments with me. It’s not like these were grand achievements by any means and obviously they were a long time ago. It may be natural to romanticize about the past as well, but these were times in which I felt strong and I felt smart. That was until I walked across America.
In all honesty I just want to be a kid. Taking all that I have learned and all of the experiences I have had yet holding on to the innocence I once had. I don’t want to be hardened and bitter in this life. I want to approach everything with curiosity and wide-eyed optimism. I will continue to chase the resiliency I had when I was young. Being the kid is the best way I can describe my idea of growing up.
I realize that feeling alone is the most normal and pointless feeling there is. When I write about it, people single it out and tell me how they can relate to it. I feel like it is an army of people all marching in the same direction away from the masses. Keeping our heads down, unable to see all of those who feel the same way we do. All together feeling like they are constantly falling behind. Unable to raise our voices. What if we could? What if I could possibly reach deep down and speak my mind? Maybe there have been others right there with me the entire time. Sometimes I don’t even know if what I am writing even makes sense to be read aloud, but what would I know anyways. These are just the things I wrestle with in my head. The voice in my head used to tell me that things will not get better. I now know that the voice is one of a liar. I have seen things get better, but the voice still exists. It seems to be a natural instinct of mine to not like myself, to be self- destructive at times, but I know there is a way to escape it, to feel free. I have been able to escape it before. Someday I will be able to sustain the freedom. I don’t know why I feel like walking alone across the country will help me. I’m not even sure what it is exactly that I need help with. Simply put, it made me feel like being me was ok, and I could be proud of myself. Something magical happened to me, maybe it can happen again. I feel alive when I think about all of the amazing experiences ahead of me this year.
“There is a difference between running from something and searching for anything.” – Fireworks
24 days.
I purchased a new tent this time around. Hopefully it will fare better than my last. I can’t even count the number of times trying to sleep while everything I owned was drenched in rainwater. I also bought a new cart. The same exact model as I pushed from Cape Girardeau, MO to Fernley, NV. It was left abandoned at a rest stop off of exit 13 on interstate 80 due to a bum wheel, lack of resources and overall frustration. I will be switching out the 8” front wheel for a larger size in order to more easily find replacement tubes while on the road. I also picked up some big block sunglasses. The exact ones blind people wear. I always thought blind people had great taste in eyewear. This fashion statement will probably cost me several run-ins with the police. I’m sure the calls will come in bunches when a blind kid is seen walking on a highway somewhere.
I will be starting in New York. I’ve never been so I figured I would just walk around and check out the sights for a few days. It is always strange and tricky walking out of airports. The first few states will probably go as follows NY, NJ, DE, MD, and WV. That is my general idea, but I’m not much of a planner. I’ll figure it out along the way.
You can also follow me on social media where I can share photos from the road and share updates on recent blog posts.
Facebook.com/mitchell.sodersten
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Or you can send me an email at mitchsodersten@hotmail.com. It is always nice to hear from everyone. I look forward to sharing many stories from the road.