In the last 10 days I have not made any progress towards the west coast on foot. I spent 3 nights in Wendover at nice hotels based on the standard I have set along the way. I was able to stay at these places thanks to some friends back home as well as on the road. I judge the quality of the hotel by the amount of lamps in the room actually turn on. A normal room has 4 lamps/ lights in it. Most motels I have stayed in have 1-3 working lightbulbs in it. The last 2 nights in Wendover hotels exhibited 100% working light bulbs. It has become sort of a game. I turn them on one by one with a small cheer or boo based on the outcome. In my 10 days off there have been a lot more cheers.
Last Saturday I sat at a truck stop in Wendover waiting for the bus to come at 1am. It finally showed up at 3am. I am incapable of sleeping on a bus. Greyhound overnight bus riders are a different breed. I am included in this group. I shared a seat with a man who appeared as dirty as I was. I welcomed this because there was now hope that the smell in the air may not be directly pinned on me. As the sun rose and lit the windows there was more movement on the bus. A man went into the bathroom and stayed for over an hour. A line formed in the aisle half the length of the bus. An impatient man shouted at the door “You know there are other people on the bus!” A standoff ensued. A lot of yelling. A lot of hands on hips, but nobody emerged out of the bathroom door. 20 more minutes passed and finally the door opened. No words were exchanged. He quietly sat down and the line slowly dwindled down. I still maintain that my two experiences on a greyhound bus this year have been much more difficult than any day of walking.
I finally arrived in Sacramento where I met my family around noon that day. I didn’t sleep at all but my excitement was too great to even think about sleep. It has been so great to see my family this past week, but difficult at times. It is so easy to go back to your old ways when you are around familiar people. At a certain stage in life you have built relationships with people. You always interact a certain way with these people. There is a fear of changing because that means that relationship may change. This was my fear in returning to a familiar place with familiar people. I didn’t want all of the progress I have made to feel meaningless. At times this was the case. That old familiar feeling that this is who you are. This is how you act around your family and friends. This is it. Nothing will change. The tourists surrounding you act as a wall blocking your escape from the freedom you had previously felt. I miss the road and the possibility of escape. I sort of expected to feel this way. It was a shock to go from being so alone, to being surrounded by others.
I miss walking through the empty spaces of America. The freedom I feel in these spaces is something I can’t obtain elsewhere. It’s how you feel when you listen to music. You hear that song that reaches you. You feel the music take you away. You’re now in this place in your mind where the music took you. Your feet can lift off the ground so effortlessly as your body is now weightless. The rules you have come to live by no longer apply to you in this moment. You can do anything because after all you created this all in your mind. Everything so easy and clear. You swear you will find a way to feel like this again, but it will be real next time.
I have been in a situation where I could measure my progress with miles. You can’t necessarily do that here within a regular life. I’m constantly torn between the need to feel different in familiar situations and the fear of changing the way I interact with the people I love. I ended up spending the last 2 nights in the Emergency room in Tahoe. I experienced my 3rd bout with pancreatitis. Lying on a hospital bed with my parents by my side. Pain too great to even open my eyes or sit up. Hopeless once again. This is how I get sometimes when I drink alcohol. It is something I shouldn’t do and I know it. This goes back to being in a familiar situation. In previous years when with family in Tahoe I drink and gamble. The same old thing. This scene is far too familiar to me. Each time I lay there and tell myself I’ll never let myself down again. This was de ja vu of the past 4 years of my life and how I used to feel. A reality check. Things can go back to how they used to be in an instant. I felt like the same old kid who failed once again. It is clear to me now that I am not ready to return for an extended period of time. I have about 650 miles left of this walk and a lot to think about. As well as a lot to learn.
This walk was always about me and my mental health. It was never to inspire anybody. I never even thought about that, I still don't. Why would anyone listen or even care about what I am doing if I can’t find a way to feel ok on my own. I also know that inspiration is a word that gets tossed around way too loosely. Only true inspiration can cause change. I used to see things that I thought inspired me all the time. I saw them, then I went to sleep. I woke up and went on as if that feeling never existed. A lot of people tell me they wish they could do something like this. Anybody could walk across America or do whatever it is that they want but think they can’t if they wanted to bad enough. 5 months ago I didn’t know that. I didn’t know that I could realistically do this. This was just something I could read about someone doing but never do. I now know I can. I also know that walking across America will not be my greatest accomplishment. Inspiration only exists if something is done about it. Otherwise it is just a nice story.
There is a lot of uncertainty in my future. What will I do when I return home? How will I feel? Will I want to leave once again? Will any of this have mattered? The one this I know is that I will walk 650 more miles. I still don’t know exactly which route I will take. I know I will get to San Francisco at some point. I will walk out in to the Pacific Ocean. From there, I’m not quite sure. It may all seem clear in that moment standing in that water. It may not. That moment is coming though.
From here I am heading to Sacramento and boarding yet another 9 hour greyhound bus ride. 9 hours down the same road I will spend the next 3-4 weeks walking back on. I know things will get better from here. Out on the road things get better. The thought of walking down a road alone. The faces of my past, their confused faces staring me down in the passing cars. The freedom and space to look, to see, to progress all on my own. This is peace to me. I am confident I will find my way. This will all have meant something. In 2 days I head west once again.
Side Note (s)
I broke the basketball shoot record at the arcade at Harvey’s Casino in South Lake Tahoe. My 5th basketball shoot record. I am hoping to leave a small legacy in the arcades across America.